marleyzgirl

up an running

2006-01-08T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't written on this thing for half a year!! Holy Shit time fly's by! Well I got through another semester of Grad school - one more to go !!! I start on January 17th. I really only need one class but want some cash so will take two more for the loans $$$. I am taking Treatment and Prevention of Substance Abuse, Intro to Special Education and an Appreciation of Contemporary Art class. That should be interesting! I am really ready to go back. I wanna graduate already!

I went to Disneyworld for the holidays, that was an experience! The crowds were so intense! Not to mention traveling with Mom... but other than those two things I love Mickey Mouse and all of that stuff! I love to walk around the streets of Disney and shop in their little shops. They even made it "snow" on main street at night, it was beautiful!

marleyzgirl

confession

2005-08-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

okay...I haven't EVEN stopped smoking as of yet. I'm sure anyone who smokes or has smoked in the past understands where I am at. I went to the store and bought the step 2 nicotine patches because I was only smoking 10 cigarretes or less a day and what has happened? I have now started smoking more that 10 cigarettes a day. I guess it is psychological, when you know you aren't supposed to have something you tend to want more of it huh? Well the new plan is to buy the step 1 patch and to GET A FRICKEN GRIP! I am SO trippin' out on getting cancer! Plus Alex told me she heard somewhere that the average smoker loses 2 teeth a year per lifetime. I don't want to be gumming my food. I have come to hate smoking but am seriously addicted to them. Being a recovering addict from alcohol and the almighty crystal methamphetamine (I have 4 and a half years clean and sober) you would think cigarettes would be a piece of cake but NO! Cigarettes have been the hardest of all. Well there is my confession and I will keep you up to date on my battle.

When?

2005-07-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

I look around and see the world
I know there’s something more
I can’t help to wonder when I will start
To do what I’ve been put here for

I sit and stare at the walls at times
My mind thinks of time before
Times I could have done thing different
Times I should have done more

Have I wasted all of my chances?
Are there really no more that remain?
I can’t believe that, no not once
If I do my mind will go insane!

Why then is it taking so long
To get to that point in life
Where I am doing something valuable
Not causing only strife?

The day will come, I’m sure it’s soon
That I will have a life to lead
And in my heart will surely grow
That planted little seed

The seed that had been laying there
Waiting to grow and grow
To touch the hearts of all of those
People that I know

God help me find the path
On which I need to travel
Before I turn the other wayAnd totally unravel

Smokeless?

2005-07-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about quitting cigarettes...well I have been doing more than just thinking about it I am pretty sure that it is what I want to do! I am scared to death to die because of a stupid thing like smoking! Lately every cigarette I smoke gives me more anxiety than relaxation because all I do is dwell on the negatives that it could cause. I think of my son mostly. What would he do without him mommy? Then I trip out on whether or not I already have cancer or heart disease or not. So this is telling me that it is time to give them up!

I have started to drink a lot of water...but I did that already and the next step (today) will be to NOT buy another pack when this one is done! I am scared how I will feel but I feel scared smoking so it can't be that much different huh? Well wish me luck!...oh and I do have nicorette gum!

Zombie

2005-07-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like a fricken zombie! I need to get my medication under control! I see the doctor this coming Wednesday and I will make sure that this is addressed. I sit and think way too much! Think about stuff that I coulda, woulda, shoulda been doing! you know? regrets...or else things I wish I was doing that aren't within my control right now. It is driving me mad! seriously...MAD!

If it wasn't for the fact that I have to force myself to stay perky for my son I don't know where I would be right now. I am so blessed to have him.

I want to work soooo bad I can taste it! I want to be able to wake up with a purpose. I want to get up, get ready for something, take my son where he can play with other children and go to work! It is as if my days are all blending into eachother! i need a life! I don't want to work for a 6 buck and hour job and maybe that is my problem but I just can't see myself doing that after going to school for as long as I have! I think I should be able to have a decent job! It is just about finding the right one! I have put some applications in at some places that are an hour away but I am thinking that I would take them because I wanna work so badly!.....I want a life!

sample run

2005-06-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Okay...I have NO idea what the hell I am doing BUT I am taking a crack at this blogging thing! So I am posting this to see what happens after I hit post...I only hope that more creative stuff will follow! Hahaha...we shall see